In case you missed this news that set the internet on fire on Sunday, Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Berkeley Breathed announced that he is bringing back his long-running comic strip, Bloom County.  And we have Frog-endorsed candidate for President, Donald J. Trump to thank for it.  As a result, we thought we would take this Track Down Tuesday as an opportunity to look up one of the stars of Bloom County, Bill The Cat, and see what he’s been up to in recent years.

BILL THE CAT – A BIO

Bill The Cat

One of Bill’s Early Photos
(Photo courtesy of Playboy Industries)

Bill the Cat was born and raised in Dubuque, Iowa, but he was soon called by the siren song of Hollywood and Broadway to become an overnight hit. Unfortunately, his rocket to success was combined with an equally quick plummet into disgrace. Some of Bill the Cat’s early film roles include the leads in Orangestoke: The Legend of Bill, Lord of the Monkeys and Terms of Bill’s Endearment. During this period, he drank heavily, used illegal drugs, and “free-based Tender Vittles“. In the video, A Wish for Wings That Work, Opus the Penguin claims to have rescued Bill from a lab at this point. But not before that same lab had replaced his brain with tater tots in a bizarre Mary Kay experiment. Opus brought him to Bloom County to reside and recover. (He first appeared in the Bloom County newspaper strip on June 13 of 1982, presumably shortly after Opus brought him to Bloom County.) In September of 1983, Bill drove his Ferrari into a cactus at 140 miles per hour, dying instantly in the crash (the media, not wishing to divulge the true nature of Bill’s death, claimed that he died of acne). The only part of Bill that was salvaged from the wreckage was his tongue, which young genius Oliver Wendell Jones used to clone Bill and bring him back to life.

In the latter months of 1984, Bill’s bid for the American presidency was effectively ruined by his decision to run off and join (and end up leading) the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh cult in Oregon. He was rescued and deprogrammed by fellow Bloom County residents who used the Ludovico technique combined with reruns of Leave It to Beaver.

BILL THE CAT – ROCK STAR

Bill The Cat

Leaving politics behind him for the moment, Bill next joined the heavy metal band, Deathtöngue, later rechristened Billy and the Boingers. Bill got rich when their song “U-Stink-But-I-♥-U” became a jingle for Wheat Thins. The video for that single featured a single long close-up from a rotating camera on one of Bill’s black heads. Check it out here:

Although Bill was the front-person of Billy and the Boingers, the band excluded him and disbanded when it became public that he spent his nights staying up late, reading the Bible with a nun. After this incident, Bill became the televangelist “Fundamentally Oral Bill”, parodying (and, in the Bloom County universe, rivaling) real-life televangelists such as Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Oral Roberts.

Bill was accused of treason for sending secrets to the Soviet Union with the unwitting assistance of his lover Jeane Kirkpatrick. Secrets he sold included: Secret antiperspirant, the secret formula of Coke, the secret of the Sierra Madre, and the secret of the Bush Family’s appeal (the secret being that they don’t have any appeal). He was traded to the KGB for another accused spy but after being responsible for the Chernobyl nuclear disaster, he was traded back for “a future draft pick”.

Bill the Cat returned to politics soon after, winning the National Radical Meadow Party’s nomination to run for President of the United States again in 1988, despite having a vocabulary that mainly consisted of “Aack!” He lost but still received more votes than Michael Dukakis.

In the final days of the Bloom County strip, Bill The Cat’s brain was replaced with Donald Trump’s (who had been hit with his yacht’s anchor while sunbathing in New York Harbor). The Donald (in Bill The Cat’s body) soon purchased all the land in Bloom County and remodeled it. Rechristening it “Trump The Strip” and recasting all the major characters with more marketable versions, it was cancelled soon after.*

Bill The Cat

*Given our very vocal support of Mr. Trump, we cannot imagine this foretells anything but good things for our future POTUSOT (President of The United States of Trump).

BILL THE CAT – POST BLOOM COUNTY

Bill the Cat sporadically returned to comics in Berkely Breathed’s later strips, Outland (which ran from 1989 to 1995) and Opus, which ran from November 23, 2003 through November 2, 2008. After that strip ended, Bill tried to give up politics and return to Hollywood. He auditioned for a guest spot on Sons of Anarchy and eventually landed the part of “Roadkill #3”. He worked for nine seasons as a stand-in for Michael Weston’s pleats on USA’s Burn Notice (a show which only ran for EIGHT seasons). He was even one of the four hosts on The Voice in that show’s pilot but was quickly booted from that show when producers realized he was not, in fact, Christina Aguilera. After being offered and accepting the role of Garfield at the South Bay Galleria in Torrance, CA, he received an urgent telegram from JJ Abrams. JJ was beginning work on the next installment of Star Wars and realized he couldn’t do it without Bill The Cat on board. As the best kept secret in Hollywood (secret even to Bill himself who was convinced he was starring in the reboot of Petticoat Junction), Bill was whisked off to the Middle East in a helicopter piloted by Harrison Ford and spent the next few months playing the role of Sith Princess BoobalooACKTHBBFT. Bill and Harrison grew close over the shoot, bonding over their mutual love of weed, as evidenced in this recent picture from Comic Con.

Bill The Cat

Contrary to appearances, that’s not them actually kissing, Bill is just blowing pot smoke directly into Ford’s lungs, a maneuver they have dubbed “Besos de Carbón”.

Bill continues his on-again/off-again affair with Paris Hilton and plans to parlay his role in The Force Awakens/Petticoat Junction into a lead role in Michael Bay’s upcoming feature film, Yahtzee.

So plan on seeing Bill The Cat much more in coming months, both in the return of Bloom County and on the big screen.  Until then, Froggies, we leave you with a heartfelt and somewhat excited, “Ack!” and the hope for the Bill The Cat/Donald Trump ticket we always dreamed of.

Bill The Cat

(The preceding art, ideas and general inspiration are thanks to Berkeley Breathed, one of our modern satirical geniuses. Please visit his Facebook page and tell him the Frog sent you.)

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