by Deacon Garland J. Tutwillow, D.D.S.

Recently, the Washington Post released an essay entitled “Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: This is the difference between Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders”.

Future President Trump responded here. But I thought I should also provide a response. You see, while Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is correct and there are MANY differences between our next president and Mr. Bernie “I Might Be a Communist” Sanders, there are FAR more differences between Donald J. Trump and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You’d NEVER confuse the two if you were to meet them at a party they way you might, for example, confuse Mr. Trump and George Clooney. He’s really missed the point and I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

Difference #1 – Their Height

Let get what is the most obvious difference out of the way first.  While Mr. Trump is a stately 6’2″ tall, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is an ungainly 7’2″, nearly a full foot taller.  Here’s a graph to really highlight the difference:

Donald Trump vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

In my 70+ years of experience on this earth, I’ve found I simply don’t trust people that tall.  They’re always looking down on you.  And what are they looking at? Are they judging the size of your brain from way up there? I’m in agreement with that old Dutch saying, “Vertrouw niet op lange mensen.”

Difference #2 – Their Birth Dates

While they were both born in New York, President Trump was born on June 14, 1946, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was born nearly a year on April 16, 1947.  Nearly a year later.  The number one song in 1946 was Perry Como’s “Prisoner of Love” and in 1947 it was Francis Craig’s “Near You”.  Need I say more?  How could you possibly compare Perry Como to Francis Craig?  It’s almost laughable to even suggest it, right? Shame on you, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar.

Difference #3 – Their Film Careers

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar made his film acting debut in some movie called Airplane in 1980, playing himself playing someone named Roger Murdock.  Donald Trump made his feature film debut in the AWARD WINNING Ghosts Can’t Do It in 1989.  He even won an award for his performance.  Something called a Razzie, which I’m not terribly familiar with.  On the Razzie website, they list him as “Worst Supporting Actor” but I’m pretty sure that is a typo and meant to write “Best”.  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wasn’t even nominated for one of these major awards.  Do I need to say any more? Judge for yourself:

Difference #4 – The “Name” Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Donald.  It’s a name that screams America.  You know who else is named Donald? This guy:

Donald Trump vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

And this guy:

Donald Trump vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Great Americans, both of them.  What the heck kind of name is “Kareem”? A “Joe” or a “Tom” or even a “Lew” I could get behind, but “Kareem”? Sounds like an Australian fast food to me.  Just to point out their difference in names, here’s another diagram, charting the popularity of the two names in the good ‘ole U. S. of A.:

Donald Trump vs. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

You know what was considered a great name in 1934? Donald.  You know what else was great in 1934? America. The decline of the use of the name Donald strangely corresponds to the decline of America, and that’s just SCIENCE. We need the name Donald to be great again, just like we need this country to be great again.  Australian fast food isn’t going to get us there.  Only Donald will.

Difference #5 – Their Favorite Food

Speaking of food, we’d like to end with a fact that truly matters.  No hard-hitting truth can differentiate between these two men than this one: Donald Trump’s favorite food is meat loaf.  What gets more American than ground up beef covered with ketchup? I eat it for almost every meal and thank Mr. Trump every time I do.  Mr. “I Like To Play The Basketball” Abdul-Jabbar’s favorite food? Seafood Pad Thai.  What the heck is PAD THAI?!! Sounds Chinese to me and we all know how Our Future President feels about China:

Thank you, Mr. Trump, for clearly stating what needed to be said.

I think this should clear up any confusion between the two men.  Thank you, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, for starting one of the important discussions that this country needs to start having.

I am, and remain, your number one fan, Mr. Trump.