We’re finishing up our week of Unintentionally Terrifying Music Videos with what might be an unexpected choice.  We’ll start off by just showing it to you:

HELLO – Lionel Richie

Don’t see any problem with this? Feel like it’s just a nice love story? Go stand with the Daft Punk fans punching themselves and do what they’re doing.  NOW. For those of you who are left, let’s examine this one in screenplay form:

FADE IN:
INT. TGI FRIDAYS – NEAR EL CAMINO COMMUNITY COLLEGE – NIGHT
Two men sit down for a beer. At the table is:
BOB REYNOLDS, mid 30s. Think Lionel Richie.
JOE SMITH, mid 30s. Think Jason Alexander

JOE:

How was your day, Bob?

LIONEL RICHIE BOB:

Fine, but I think I have a crush on one of my students. She’s a really pretty blind girl.  I followed her to music class, then to ballet.

JOE:

Wait, you followed her? To other classes? That’s a little…

LIONEL RICHIE BOB:

Yeah, I stood outside both classes the entire time, watching her, wondering if she was thinking of me or thinking about kissing someone else.  Then I nearly touched her hair during lunch, but was interrupted. I quickly ran away. Then I walked silently behind her as she walked down the hall. Later, I might call her up and say, “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?” then hang up. 

JOE:

Uhh….Bob, she’s your STUDENT…plus you can’t just follow someone like…

LIONEL RICHIE BOB:

I’m pretty sure it will end with her making a sculpture of me to tell me how she loves me, too.

JOE:

Lionel Richie Bob, this sort of thing ends with a RESTRAINING ORDER.

Fade out to the sound of police sirens.

WHY IT’S TERRIFYING: Much like the Billy Idol video we featured earlier this week, this is essentially every stalker’s fantasy about how the person they are stalking is really in love with them, too, they just don’t know how to show it.  Plus she’s BLIND, so it’s actually quite easy to stalk her.  You can walk right behind her and nearly touch her hair and she’ll never know!  What’s REALLY frightening, though, is that in 1984 when the video was released, no one seemed to have tapped Lionel on the shoulder and said, “Y’know, this is a little creepy, right?” This was considered romantic.  Sneaking into a ballet class, watching one of your students while you wonder who else has touched her was ROMANTIC!!!!  Not only was it acceptable, it was the perfect backdrop for a love ballad that reached #1 around the world.  Ah, the 80s.  When a stalker could just be himself…

That’s our choices.  Think we missed something?  Let us know in the comments below or hit us up on Twitter.  Good luck sleeping tonight, Froggies.  We’ll be up all night thinking of anorexic, pedophile clowns sneaking up behind us wearing cherry red codpieces.

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