If there’s one thing that really says Rapture, it’s a good old fashioned “War” on “Something Christian.” In a polarizing move comparable to Target’s decision to stop separating kids’ stuff into ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ sections, Starbucks chose to impliment slight design changes in an effort to be more inclusive this season. The “War on Christmas” began with the removal of snowflakes, nature scenes and ornaments from their holiday cups. The popular coffee chain opted for a minimalist design in red and green, instead – a color combination that left us baffled and lost, with no clear indication of any particular holiday.

“This is a denial of historical reality and the great Christian heritage behind the American Dream that has so benefitted Starbucks,” said Andrea Williams of Christian Concern.

She also probably went on to put other words together in some sort of order vaguely resembling a complete sentence.

A reasonable solution from The Oatmeal.

A reasonable solution from The Oatmeal.

Many Christians have decided the best way to get back at Starbucks for denying them their Jesus snowflakes is to “prank” Starbucks into writing Merry Christmas on their cups anyway. Some dude named Joshua Feuerstein, who apparently used to be a pastor, titled his Facebook rant “Starbucks REMOVED CHRISTMAS from their cups because they hate Jesus” and fought back the only way he knew how. Feuerstein donned his trusty Jesus Christ T-shirt (“just to offend”), strapped on his gun (since Starbucks “hates” the 2nd Amendment), made his way down to a local Arizona Starbucks and proudly declared that his name was Merry Christmas. “Guess what, Starbucks?” Feuerstein said. “I tricked you into putting ‘Merry Christmas’ on your cup.”

Joshua Feuerstein takes a stand against Starbucks’ anti-Christmas agenda:

 

We at the Frog wish Josh all the best in this important time in his life. Whether or not we believe that Starbucks is intentionally attacking Jesus, we think it’s really brave of Josh to march into that coffee shop and announce publicly that he’d like to be called Mary. You go, girl!

rapture

We love you, Mary!

It’s not just the War on Christmas that’s giving us those cozy, End-Of-Days feels. According to Michelle Bachman, the Rapture is officially “soon.”

“We recognize the shortness of the hour,” Bachmann said on Right Wing Watch. “And that’s why we as a remnant want to be faithful in these days and do what it is that the Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us, to be faithful in the Kingdom and to help bring in as many as we can — even among the Jews — share Jesus Christ with everyone that we possibly can because, again, he’s coming soon.”

You heard it here. He’s coming to Rapture us and we need to get everyone on board. Even the Jews.

Whether or not you’re a believer, we can all agree that the Rapture poses a few logistical problems. What happens to our damned pets when Jesus comes to take us home? Are they doomed to slowly starve, litterbox overflowing, thinking we just picked up and Raptured away without them? Thankfully, Sharon and Carol from After the Rapture thought of a perfect post-Rapture solution.

After the Rapture Pet Care Introduction:

If you’re still on the fence about whether or not the world is really coming to an end, remember that Donald Trump hosted an abysmal episode of SNL this week and the Kardashian Klan posted undeniable evidence that humans beings are the absolute worst.

The Kardashians pay tribute to their mother’s 60th birthday with this harrowing video:

 

See you on the other side, Froggies. frog_bullet

 

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