By Deacon Garland J. Tutwillow, D.D.S.

We don’t really like to get political here on the Frog. We’re all about positivity and celebrating the overlooked and we try to stay out of the mud-slinging, backstabbing world of politics. (It’s just way too controversial and nasty to dip our little amphibian toes into.) That being said, an exception must be made for Frog-endorsed candidate, Donald Trump.

Sure, he may have pissed off some people in his very first announcement, (by “some people” we, of course, mean the entire country of Mexico). However, we believe that the vast majority of those openly laughing at the possibility of Donald Trump becoming the most powerful man in the world (yes, we’re looking at you, Jon Stewart and John Oliver) are really overlooking the positives that would come along with this seemingly-insane turn of events. So, in the spirit of looking for the overlooked, we’d like to highlight just 10 of the many, many excellent things that would come about should Donald Trump take the title of POTUS.

1 – The Hair

This is the easy one, so let’s get it out of the way quickly. Donald Trump’s hairstyle, should he become our Commander in Chief, would quickly emerge from the ’70’s dustbin where it has been banished to for far too long. Soon children would be sporting his signature comb-over like they once did Kid-N-Play flattops. Just think of the poor, retired hockey players who would be able to show their faces in public again.

Donald Trump for President

“I can finally be ME again.”

2 – Trump, The Game

How many times have you dreamed of navigating the waters of international relations as Jimmy Carter? Or instituting police action in a small Asian country as LBJ? Or invading Canada like James Madison? Sadly, your local Toys-R-Us can’t fulfill these simple childhood dreams. UNTIL NOW. You can live life as The Donald in a game he created back in 1988 that is still available on Amazon. Don’t believe us? Check out the commercial below, vote for Trump, and let your dreams finally come true.

3 – Rosie is Gone

Let’s face it, if Mr. Trump becomes president, Rosie O’Donnell is on the next boat to Guantanamo. They’ve had an ongoing feud for years and we’re pretty sure the first Presidential Power Trump would exercise would be the little-used, “Get That Bitch Out of My Face” clause in the constitution. Which was placed there by Teddy Roosevelt. We’ll have to check our facts there but we’re pretty sure he used it at least once on his niece, Eleanor.


4 – Trump’s Presidential Wrestling

It’s no secret that Donald Trump and WWE mogul Vince McMahon are good friends. Trump has even participated in several wrestling matches, beating and then shaving the head of McMahon. But don’t take our word for it:

Trump clearly won’t have any trouble settling international disputes where they should be settled: in the ring. Kim Jong-un wants to develop nuclear weapons? He’s got to face Donald’s Nuclear Elbow first. King Abdullah wants to cane some people? Sorry, King, that cane is considered a “foreign object in the ring” on Donald’s watch. Putin wants to invade the Ukraine? Well! … Maybe we’ll try to settle that with a strongly-worded letter. Putin is pretty buff.

5 – Ms. Rudy Guliani

Are we the only ones who have always thought that former NY mayor Rudy Giuliani makes one damn sexy woman? Apparently not. Donald Trump and Giuliani got to live out all their fantasies (and ours) back in 2006, as captured in the video below. Donald even gets to motorboat the former mayor. SO. HAWT.

Who would blame him for issuing a presidential edict, forcing Giuliani to live as a woman, for all our sakes?

6 – Scotland Is Paved Over

Other than golf and Ewan McGregor, what has Scotland ever done of worth? (Don’t even mention that hack Robert Louis Stevenson.) Clearly, The Donald agrees. In 2011, he descended on Scotland like a disco fan on a mirrored ball. Utilizing ancient and archaic British laws, he kicked many Scottish families off the land that they had owned for centuries in order to build a billion dollar golf course. (Causing millions of Scots to love Ewan McGregor even more.) A documentary called You’ve Been Trumped details the entire endeavor. You can check out a piece of it here:

As soon as Rosie is safely in Cuba, we’re pretty sure President Trump would begin paving over the entire country in favor of casinos and strip clubs, finally putting to use that troublesome plot of land England acquired centuries ago.

7 – Bribes For Everyone

If you aren’t one of the nearly 8 million people who viewed The Donald’s Major Announcement back in 2012, then you missed one of his most shining moments. In the midst of the so-called “birther movement”, Trump tried to put his money where his… well… money is: in the hands of politicians. He offered $5 million to President Obama if he would only produce documents that proved he was an American citizen. Thus proving that he was willing to offer cold, hard cash to get his way.

What would that mean for the American public should Donald Trump set up camp at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Bribes. Bribes as far as the eye can see. Congress not playing well together? Maybe some greenbacks would change their tune. Social security running out of money? Donald’s got you covered. Too many people on Welfare? Start signing those checks, Mr. Wallet in Chief. Cash will pave the way.

8 – State of The Union in 140 Characters

It’s no secret that Donald Trump loves Twitter. As of the date of this article, Obama may have more followers but he has only a paltry 47 tweets under his belt. Donald has literally 557 times that number. Proving that, even if fewer people want to listen, Trump is more than willing to talk. Take that, Kenyan!

Whether it’s smoothing over race relations:

 Donald Trump for President

Offering sensible alternatives to settling conflict:

Donald Trump for President

Or deftly negotiating international tensions:

Donald Trump for President

The Donald has demonstrated how 140 characters is really all you need to accurately express yourself. So how long would it take him to transform the lengthy, annoying, applause-filled yearly gabfest that is the State of the Union Address into a short, poignant Tweet that really gets to the heart of the matter? We’ll even take a guess at what he would say:

Donald Trump for President

Emoji clapping would be welcomed by all.

9 – Whipping America Into Shape

Sure, First Lady Michelle Obama has done a lot to combat childhood obesity, but is it enough? There are still overweight kids out there. Under the reign of Kind Donald the First, there would be no punches pulled and a strict standard of beauty would be instituted for all (women).

You see, The Donald has one weapon that the First Lady would never use: fat shaming. Yes, he would be the President who is not afraid to call a chubby girl chubby. As owner of both the Miss USA and Miss Universe pagents (no longer available to those rapist Mexicans), Mr. Trump is brutally honest about weight and, it seems, beauty in general. According to this piece by the Washington Post, Future President Trump had the final say in all of his pageants, taking a close look at all his contestants and personally deciding which ones are too fat to move forward for the coveted tiara.

We can only assume he would carry this tough love into the White House and bring a little sexy back to his cabinet. Hello, Secretary of State Upton…

10 – The Great Wall of Mexico

Number 10 was actually the genesis of this entire article, as it came up over dinner discussions about Mr. Trump. Someone quipped about his “wall” idea and a 20 minute rant ensued where we all made jokes about this family attraction would be built and how the Border States would be rolling in money from all the tourism dollars.

This op-ed piece, which appeared on The Blaze (the news outlet owned by Trump’s fellow conservative, Glenn Beck) proves that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

It seems like despite their differences (Beck has often criticized Trump for being too progressive), Donald has been listening and knows a good idea when he hears it. We really can’t add to the brilliance of Mr. Fisher’s ideas, but they definitely get a full webbed thumbs up from us.

So, in closing, we hope you have been convinced, as we were when we really thought about it, that these ten reasons (and the many more we could come up with) greatly outweigh the damage that President Trump would do to international, race, martial, and pretty much any other relations the U.S.A. might be a part of.

Vote Trump!

It’s the only reasonable thing to do.