By Deacon Garland J. Tutwillow, D.D.S.

In case you missed the news, as shouted to the sky by The Candidate himself, Donald Trump is now leading in the polls. By a LOT. We’re pretty sure he has the Frog’s ongoing endorsements to thank for that. You’re welcome, Mr. Trump. We’ve decided that this Trump/Frog coalition simply cannot stop there, though. He has a very big decision to make in the coming months and The Frog would like to help him get a head start on it.

You see, we (and we’re sure Mr. Future President agrees) don’t believe he needs a single bit of support to lead our great nation into greatness. But, unfortunately (at least until HE gets into office) there is this thing called the Constitution which requires this other thing called a Vice President to be on board. And we already checked, Mr. Trump cannot run for both President and Vice President simultaneously. So he has to pick someone as his running mate, but who could possibly make an already unbeatable candidacy even better? We have a few ideas that we’d like to throw out there for Mr. Trump. We know he’s listening, so we hope he takes these as seriously as we mean them.

TRUMP/OPRAH 2016

Mr. Trump and Oprah

This is kind of an easy one because it’s the name Mr. Trump himself has thrown out there on multiple occasions. Even back in 1999 when he first toyed with our emotions about running. However, given she’s a longtime supporter of our current socialist President, we think it’s a bit of a long shot. Plus, we think we can shoot a little higher. Who needs another successful businessperson on the ticket when you have Mr. Trump?

TRUMP/VENTURA 2016

Mr. Trump and Jesse Ventura

Jesse “The Body” Ventura is a former professional wrestler turned politician and conspiracy theorist. He shares Mr. Trump’s “won’t take BS from anybody” attitude and clearly doesn’t give a damn about public opinion. He took on organized religion and called it a sham. He sued the TSA for patting him down too hard in an airport. He even sued the widow of Navy Seal Chris Kyle for nearly $2M for one paragraph in Kyle’s book that Ventura THOUGHT might be referring to him. And won. Clearly, Mr. Ventura has studied at the Trump school of moral outrage.

The only problem with a Trump/Ventura ticket is just how much alike they are. They both tell it like it is. They both wrestle. And they both have AMAZING hair. That much testosterone and sheer sex appeal on one ticket might just be too much for America to handle.

TRUMP/BAKER 2016

Mr. Trump and Bart Baker

Bart Baker is the king of YouTube parodies and host of Crashpad. He also has 6.3 million YouTube followers. Mr. Trump clearly has the angry old white dude vote sewn up completely, but what about the angry YOUNG white dude? Or the angry pre-pubescent white vote? (Sure they can’t vote, but they Tweet like crazy.) Not only would Bart Baker bring the youth vote with him, the Taylor Swift parody/pro-Trump videos would be an internet sensation. You’d be able to fund the entire campaign on pre-roll video advertising alone and probably have money left over to build that Bart Baker theme park we’ve always dreamed about. Minaj Mountain? Swift Rapids? Pure gold.

TRUMP/MADDOW 2016

Mr. Trump and Rachel Maddow

One of the basic tenets of a presidential running mate is to pick someone who is weak where you are strong. Well, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow is about as polar opposite from Mr. Trump as possible. Where Trump is bringing in the “too angry for the Tea Party” demographic, Maddow will bring in the “moderately upset about income inequality” section. And if you enjoyed this recent video of Maddow schooling Santorum on how the Constitution actually works, think of the debates between Trump and his own running mate! “I hate to interrupt your State of the Union, Mr. President, but you DO realize you can’t legally waterboard Bernie Sanders on Pay-Per-View, don’t you?”

TRUMP/CLINTON 2016

Mr. Trump and Bill Clinton

No, not THAT Clinton. We’re talking about Bill Clinton. To quote Clash of the Titans (1981): “A titan against a titan!” Trump is probably going to be running against Hilary next year, so who better to defeat her than her own husband? Plus they’re already friends who play golf together:

Sure, there’s the fact that he’s already served two terms as President, but when has Donald Trump allowed a little something like the rules stand in his way? What the Donald wants to do, the Donald does; constitution be damned! That’s OUR candidate.

TRUMP/CLINTON 2016

Mr. Trump and George Clinton

OK, so maybe the liberal, bleeding hearts in Washington would stand by a stupid little thing like the law and declare (out of fear) that a Donald Trump/Bill Clinton ticket is not allowed. Well, if there’s one thing Mr. Trump knows besides building walls and paving over Scotland, it’s brand recognition. What matters is not the actual product behind the brand as long as people trust the brand. And the Clinton Brand goes a long way. So that’s why we’re suggesting Parliament frontman and funk icon, George Clinton. He’s got the Clinton name and at least twice their funk power. Plus, we’re pretty sure he will counteract nicely that strange dislike Mr. Trump seems to receive from people of a…darker hue.

TRUMP/VADER 2016

Mr. Trump and Darth Vader

Mr. Trump has had to waste a lot of time recently out-shouting his naysayers. Time that he desperately wants to spend going into details about his economic policies and the intricacies of his foreign diplomacy. It’s not that he wants to spend time calling Anderson Cooper an idiot or handing out Lindsey Graham’s personal cell number. These people are forcing him to take these actions with their sheer stupidity. That’s why he needs someone by his side that knows how to take care of idiots firmly and forcefully. That’s why Vader is your man. “Sorry, Mr. Rubio, I can’t hear you attacking me over the sound of VP Vader force choking you.”

Trump Vader

TRUMP/BABY PORCUPINE 2016

Trump Porcupine

Sure, he may not have a name, a social security number or the ability to speak. Sure, he may not be the legally-required 35 years old. Heck, we’re not even sure he’s a registered voter. But you know what our extensive research has shown us? People like pictures and movies of baby animals. And which one of these do you want on your television every day for the next 4-8 years?

baby porcupinePalin

 

TRUMP/CUSTER 2016

Mr. Trump and George Armstrong Custer

OK, so he may have died at the Battle of Little Bighorn in 1876. But that doesn’t mean General George Armstrong Custer didn’t have great politics behind him. He knew how to handle the murderous, drug dealing, raping Native Americans and the few who were, he assumed, good people. With Mr. Trump as the idea man and the Hero of Little Bighorn at his side, posthumously. (History might not be our, or Mr. Trump’s, strongest subject.)

TRUMP/POTATO 2016

Mr. Trump and Potato

Who doesn’t like potatoes? They become chips. They become freedom fries. Leave them alone in a dark room long enough and they even become vodka. Not like those dirty agave plants Mexico keeps sending us. Mr. Trump doesn’t need a running mate who thinks too much or runs off at the mouth. Mr. Trump will handle that. He just needs someone who will shut up and do their job. And what could be more American than potatoes? It certainly can’t hurt his chances in sewing up those crucial Idaho votes. And POTUS Trump’s and VP Potato’s shared history with this guy certainly won’t hurt this ticket:

trump grimace

Agree with our choices? Have suggestions of your own? Let us know in the comments below or via Twitter.

Take care, Froggies. Trump 2016!

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